In the end I ended up feeling a bit hurt. I realized that I should have no reason for it, yet here I was. Feeling very sorry for myself, and thinking that no one really want to be my friend. I am not good enough. If I don't go, no one will come to me. I should think that when I passed 30 I would be wiser. But obviously not.So then I started thinking. Why do we sometimes end up hurting for no reason? Why does something that is just a commend can hurt more than a cruel word. Is it that we tend to think that in the heat of an argument we do say things to hurt, sometimes without meaning it. But in a comment we tend to think that it's what the person really means?
I called another friend and she is the best ever. We are just good friends, but someday I hope for more. To be able to share deeper thoughts. I do share, and I think that it is a somewhat problem for me. That I share just enough for them to think that everything is ok. I've been trying to 'fix' it, and sometimes I do share a little more personal things. It just doesn't last. Or 'new' people will show up. This time I have to say (before I keep getting to off track) I feel a lot better. I send Jesus a quick 'I'm hurting - help me' and I felt better. Then after the talk with my friend I really saw that it was nothing to take the wrong way :) Very happy about that.
Back to the sharing part. I started this other blogg (on my native language) so that I would be able to share. And you know what?? I didn't do so good. I kept thinking that maybe someone I know will read this. Then what??? They would read the things I don't share. So ofcourse I didn't write it. Simple.
I try to attend a group, or whatever you would call it, only for woman. And I have managed to share some stuff here. I just try to downplay it a lot, so they don't know how much I struggle with it, or how much it affects me. Like this one time almost two years ago a girl died, very very suddenly. She had a daugther the same age as my son, and she was the daugther of my cousin. I never called him a cousin or anything, but I've always called his daugthers my cousins - sinces that is what they felt like. The middle one was my classmate for nine years. So this girl (my cousin...) only got to be 25. She died december 25th. I had a daugther myself december 8th and lost a lot of blood. I was very tired, but felt almost like normal by the time of her funural. Sadly my husband couldn't come with me, so not fully recovered I had to bring three kids (he was going to work so I couldn't leave my youngest, and my oldes is a lot of help) for a long trip. Including a ferry you have to leave the car... The day before was a low day, so my mum said straight to me that I shouldn't go. So I stayed at home. I know today that it was the right decition, but I still regret not being able to attend her funeral. I can't believe that I just wrote this. Even with the possibility that someone I know might read it. Strange. Well maybe I'll chiken out when posting time comes around.
But it did feel good by the way. Sharing. I've always known that... It's just hard. Even now, sitting here on the computer, crying. Glad my husband is late, milking our cows. I can talk to him about everything, and then I mean everything. He knows that this was a very hard time for me. It's just that you can't bring it up over and over with the same person. Even I would have been bored with that.
So here I am, trying to be more me than I ever have been.... No that came out wrong.
Here I am, trying to wear some of my feelings on my sleeve...
I've always been me, just hiding....
This is the time that I'm overwhelmed by what Jesus really can do. A small thought and you almost feel him reasuring you, reading in the Bible (which I do to rare) and daily devotion helps me to see more of him.
He is my ligthtower and he loves me no matter what. Even when I fail, when I am weak, when I hurt someone else. He still loves me. More than I love my kids.
I thank Him for bearing with me, and for making me a better person.
God Bless
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